With the season in full gear, it’s time to face facts. The Angels are hurting and no one can quite put their finger on a diagnosis. Any and all suggestions are being considered as the team looks for ways to hit their stride and begin making a climb in the AL West. Trades, minor league assignments, even coaching changes are all on the table. Every idea, no matter how radical, is being considered as the Halos look for the spark to start racking up some wins.
Here then, are five good reasons to replace Josh Hamilton with a turtle.
1) A Turtle will get on base more often than Josh Hamilton.
Pacific Leatherback Sea Turtles are the largest turtles in the world. At their largest, they’re barely above the knee of a human being. Given that a normal strike zone is said to be between the numbers and the knees, even the largest turtle in the world has basically has no strike zone. Bat the turtle second between a lead off Peter Bourjos or Erick Aybar and before Mike Trout and you’ll have two men on for Mikey to blast three run homers all season! Just make sure Trout does some extra pushups at practice. We’ll need him to pick up and carry his turtle teammate on his way around the bases. Angel fans have sat through Bengie Molina’s base running, but even that patience has its limits.
2) There is no wage scale for non humans in the MLB.
This one may be taking advantage a bit, but if it brings wins, we must consider it. Rookie contracts and veteran minimums are all but set in stone, but turtle wages? There’s nothing on the books! Which means a turtle can be signed for whatever number he’ll take on a contract. Being that turtles live in their shells, he wouldn’t have many financial needs. We may be able to sign him for nothing but some beach land to retire on, a truckload of turtle chow, and an occasional trip to the zoo to get some turtle groupies.