Time for The Monkey to monkey around with some half-baked ideas and thoughts that have somehow managed to not clear the already low bar I have for feature post material. Just dig down deep and I promise we can get through this together:
-I can't decide whether to hate myself for the hypocrisy or the schadenfreude on this, but I am really torn over this Biogenesis scandal. On one hand, I think MLB is wildly overstepping their bounds by engaging in a witch hunt to snare some big name players on the word of lying scumbag doctor. The fact that they are also considering abusing their power by doubling suspensions for guys who committed first offenses really gets my goat too. That being said, as an Angel fan, I am kind of rooting for MLB to hurry up and drop the hammer because it figures to hurt several of the teams in front of the Halos in the standing. Cruz in Texas. Colon in Oakland. Half of the Yankees. The problem is that I feel like if I root too hard for rivals to get suspended then karma will punish me for my hypocrisy and somehow Trout, Kendrick and Trumbo will get caught in the Biogenesis dragnet.
-Speaking of hypocrisy, this one I don't feel that bad about. It irritated me to no end last week hearing all the chowderheads in the Big A crowd cheering for the Red Sox but I will take a great deal of pleasure this weekend when I attend the Angels-Mariners series and gaze upon the see of red in the Safeco Field seats.
-I know a lot of people that Trout and Trumbo were not selected for the Home Run Derby, but I am more upset that J.B. Shuck wasn't picked. I just want to see if he can do it and I don't think I am alone. There was a recent game in which Shuck hit one that was about 10 feet up the 18-foot wall in right field of the Big A and Gubi went on and one about he just barely missed his first homer. That is patently false because he would've had to hit the ball like 20 feet further to clear that wall, but the delight in Gubi's voice that J.B. "came so close" shows how much people would want to see him swinging for the fences. Waiting for him to finally get one out would be thrilling, but in the way it is thrilling to see a high school team put some kid with spina bifida in at running back to try and score a touchdown from the 1-yard line.
-While we are on the topic of Shuck, can we please all put what he is in perspective. I like to think we are all smart enough to realize that he is, at best, a fourth outfielder but I recently got into an argument with someone who thought Shuck was BETTER than Peter Bourjos and thought my comparison of Shuck to Reggie Willits was patently ridiculous. Naturally, this mental giant tried to sway me with such brilliant factoids as Shuck's RBI total and fielding percentage. Please, dear readers, be better than that.
-Yesterday, I posted a piece on the prospects that the Angels could look to move at the trade deadline. I have since been diagnosed with clinical depression and been placed on a cocktail of anti-depressants. I bring this up not to garner sympathy but because I realized their is a financial opportunity here. Why don't the Angels have their minor league teams each get sponsored by Big Pharma? The Salt Lake Bees of Zoloft. The Ariprazole Travelers. The Inland Empire 66mgs of Paxil. I may have all the sads, but I am a marketing genius.
-One day when I have the time, the elevated blood alcohol content level and lack of shame, I am going to put together a GIF gallery of Joe Blanton scratching his balls on the mound and then immediately licking his fingers right after. Congratulations, by the way, because now you won't ever be unable to notice how frequently he does that.
-I hate the shameless plug stuff, but would really appreciate it if you would follow the MWAH Facebook page. I've actually been trying to update it more and make it worth following of late, so I think it deserves more fans. I'm pretty sure Facebook is mostly for housewives and idiot teenagers now, but I still don't get how the Facebook page has like 10% of the followers than the MWAH Twitter account has. So, please, like the page and help alleviate some of my Kaleb Cowart induced depression.
-So, I scrapped game previews last season, but I think I am going to bring back a series preview after the All-Star break. I'm not sure exactly what the format will be, it will probably be on the weird side. I am open to suggestions.
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A little bit of proofreading before you post would be much appreciated. I seem to be catching more and more basic errors. Maybe it's just me, but whenever I see careless mistakes, the columnist begins to lose credibility with me. Also, the saying you reference above should be "Gets my goad," not "Gets my goat." It's not an animal you should be referencing.
The hubs and I are unable to watch Blanton pitch without commenting on this disturbing habit. The sound track to your GIF Gallery could be the Divinyls "I Touch Myself". Youtube stardom awaits. Start drinking now.