"Why does everyone start laughing hysterically when I ask them if they want to trade for Gary Matthews?" A) Gary Matthews B) Arte Moreno C) Tony Reagins D) Mike Scioscia Correct Answer: B, Tony Reagins. There are so many teams shopping players with bad contracts this off-season, and almost all of them are better than Private Matthews.
"I want you to find Scott Boras and have him killed, no matter what it takes." A) Tony Reagins B) Arte Moreno C) Mike Scioscia D) Every GM in the league Correct Answer: B, Arte Moreno, but D is a pretty darn good guess too.
"Hello, 911? I'd like to report a stalker. Every where I go there is this guy with a Mariners cap following me around. If I talk to a free agent, boom, he is there like 2 minutes later. It's almost like he is only going after players that I show interest in first. Is GM copycatting a crime?" A) John Lackey B) Arte Moreno C) Tony Reagins D) Scott Boras Correct Answer: C, Tony Reagins. The Seattle GM Jeff Zdurnindsnglkdngl or whatever seems to be rather intent on snagging every single Angel free agent as well as almost every one of their free agent targets as part of Seattle's nefarious scheme to make the playoffs every year and lose to the Boston Red Sox each time.
"Look, I don't care if you trade Aybar. Just don't trade Napoli. I need another fat guy around here to make me look slimmer." A) Jeff Mathis B) Matt Palmer C) Mike Napoli D) Mike Scioscia Correct Answer: D, Mike Scioscia. The Angels really should be shopping one of their catchers, but it seems that Sosh is too attached to Napoli's uncanny resemblance of Scioscia in his playing days.
"First one to offer me $85 million over five years gets me. Ready... go!!!" (two hours later) "Maybe nobody, heard me. I said go. Anyone can just make that offer. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?" A) Chone Figgins B) John Lackey C) Darren Oliver D) Vladimir Guerrero Correct Answer: B, John Lackey. It sure is looking like a certain Texas redneck might have overvalued himself this year, eh?
"I like your offer of Saunders, Aybar and Bourjos, but it just isn't going to get the deal done. Here is my counter-offer to you: Aybar, $500 kabillion, your first born child and the head of a unicorn. I think that's pretty reasonable. Hello? Are you still there? Helloooo?" A) Scott Boras B) Tony Reagins C) Roy Halladay D) Alex Anthopoulos Correct Answer: D, Alex Anthopoulos. Everyone thought the Blue Jays would come to their senses after firing J.P. Ricciardi, but his replacement seems to be making trade demands for Roy Halladay that are just as extravagant if not more so.
"So you're saying I actually get a starting job this year? No fooling? If I find out you are messing with me, I am going to punch you right in the face because this is like the third straight year you've said that." A) Brandon Wood B) Maicer Izturis C) Gary Matthews D) ? Correct Answer: A, Brandon Wood... or at least until the Angels inexplicably sign some veteran third baseman to take his spot from him.
"Seriously, if the Yankees get Roy Halladay, I'm never going to watch baseball again." A) Tony Reagins B) Arte Moreno C) Mike Scioscia D) Theo Epstein Correct Answer: Trick question, the real answer is every non-Yankee baseball fan in the world.